Memorable quotes

[Master Bra’tac comes through the Stargate, walks down the ramp and gives Dr. Weir an odd look]
Daniel: This is Dr. Elizabeth Weir. She’s the new leader of this facility.
[Dr. Weir extends her hand]
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Hello.
Bra’tac: [concerned] Has Hammond of Texas fallen in battle?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Oh, no sir, he’s fine!

Daniel Jackson: I remember when we were first trying to get the Stargate to work, I would come here and just stare at it for hours.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Is that a gentle reminder that you’ve been an important part of this since the very beginning?
Daniel Jackson: Subtle, huh?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I’ve been awake all weekend. The reality of this is… It’s an adrenaline rush.
Daniel Jackson: Hey, at least I know you have a beating heart!

Anubis: I know who you are, Daniel Jackson, but you know not who I am!

[in an alternate timeline, Teal’c, who is the still the First Prime of Apophis, brings Daniel Jackson before his master]
Apophis: Who are you?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Name’s Daniel Jackson. Uh, if you give me back my eyeglasses, I could actually see you.
Teal’c: He claims he is of the Tau’ri.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You weren’t supposed to tell him that.
Apophis: The Tau’ri have no Chaapa’ai.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh! Sorry, guess I was wrong. I’m sure your information is correct and… In fact, I’m usually quite wrong, quite unreliable actually. To be honest with you, I’m insane.
Apophis: I think there is much you can tell me.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, if you wanna know about the early settlements of Mesopotamia, I am somewhat of an expert…

Jack O’Neill: [Hammond has accepted O’Neill’s offer of a beer] I hope you like Guinness, sir. It’s a perfect substitute for… food.

Jack O’Neill: If it weren’t for SG-1, you’d be sitting here with a snake in your head, instead of with your head up your a
[gets cut off]
General Bauer: Enough, Colonel!

Sam Carter: The only thing we can assume is that Anubis didn’t keep his deal with Daniel.
Jack O’Neill: That’s a shock, eh?

Anubis: You are the one they call “Thor.” I am Anubis.
Thor: As I have told your lieutenant, I will reveal nothing to you.
[Anubis holds up a round device with spikes on it. It resembles a miniature mace]
Anubis: This device will be implanted into your brain, it will form a link between your mind and the ship’s computer. Your knowledge will simply be downloaded into our memory banks. You will no doubt resist… and you will no doubt fail.
Thor: The Goa’uld possess no such technology.
[Anubis turns to face Thor and reveals that there is some kind of black sludge or a black version of the Stargate event horizon]
Anubis: I think you will find many things have changed since my return.

Daniel Jackson: So we’d be looking for a needle in a haystack.
Thor: A haystack of infinite size.
Daniel Jackson: That’s big.

Oma Desala: There is only one thing we can ever truly control.
Daniel: What’s that?
Oma Desala: Whether we are good, or evil.

Samantha Carter: Sir, if you don’t mind, your wound is bleeding all over my lab.

Jack O’Neill: I hope you diplomatically told him where to shove it.

Samantha Carter: I’ve just never blown up a star before.
Jack O’Neill: Well, they say the first one is always the hardest.

Jack O’Neill: It’s time for Plan B.
Samantha Carter: We have a Plan B?
Jack O’Neill: No, but it’s time for one.

Baal: You dare mock me?
Jack O’Neill: Come on Ba’al, you should know. Of course I dare mock you.

[repeated line]
Jack O’Neill: Oh for crying out loud!

[repeated line]
Samantha Carter: Holy Hannah!

Sam Carter: You know, you blow up one sun and suddenly everyone expects you to walk on water.

Jack O’Neill: [Stuck in a continous time loop with Teal’c] If it were just me, I’d agree, but what about Teal’c? Come on, is this the face of a crazy man?
[Teal’c and Hammond look at him]
Jack O’Neill: Bad Example…

Jack O’Neill: Handing in my resignation.
Samantha Carter: Resigning? What for?
Jack O’Neill: So I can do this…
[kisses Sam]

Daniel Jackson: [Replicator Sam is going through the Ancient knowledge in Daniel’s subconcious] You can’t handle it, can you?
Samantha Carter: I can. I just need time to process, share it with the others.
Daniel Jackson: Like the universe it’s infinite. It’s not just knowledge and information, it’s understanding on a level you’ll never reach.
Samantha Carter: Why do you think that?
Daniel Jackson: Because you’re a machine.
Samantha Carter: So are you. Just of weaker construction.
Daniel Jackson: And that’s where you’re wrong.
Samantha Carter: We’ll see.

Daniel Jackson: You lied to me.
Samantha Carter: What?
Daniel Jackson: You promised you’d leave earth alone, there’s replicators infiltrating the SGC right now.
Samantha Carter: How can you know that?
[Moment of silence]
Samantha Carter: While I was in your mind, you were inside mine.
Daniel Jackson: Took a while to figure out, fortunatly you were too distracted to notice. Some of the Ancient knowledge really helped too, thank you.
Samantha Carter: You tricked me.
Daniel Jackson: You tricked me first.
Samantha Carter: You should never have told me.
Daniel Jackson: Too late. For you that is.
[Replicator Sam attempts to hit him, and he grabs her arm]
Daniel Jackson: Trying to leave? Sorry, a little more time in Danny’s world.
Samantha Carter: My brethren will not stop. You cannot control them.
Daniel Jackson: Not yet. But I’m learning.

[O’Neill and Jackson are trying to convince the people of K’tau that their god, Freyr, will not save them]
Jack O’Neill: Hi, folks, listen. You all know Freyr, right? Big guy, kinda good-lookin’, lots of fancy gold armor?
[everyone says yes]
Jack O’Neill: Well, here’s a flash for ya. That’s *not* what he looks like.
Elrad: What do you mean?
Jack O’Neill: He’s an alien pretending to be your god.
[Daniel shakes his head]
Jack O’Neill: He doesn’t have a Chariot… he has a spaceship! A spaceship. Big machine like the one we were building. Only his is way better… and… not… blown up.
[murmuring is heard]
Jack O’Neill: I’m not kidding you, folks. This little fella is about three feet tall, got clammy gray skin, big black eyes, and skinny, tiny little arms and legs, like toothpicks.

Colonel Dave Dixon: Yeah, all-night screaming, projectile vomiting, nuclear diapers… you have no idea. The reason they make them so damn cute is so you don’t suffocate them in their sleep.
Senior Airman Simon Wells: Sir, you have *four* kids.
Colonel Dave Dixon: Yeah, why do you think I enjoy my work so much?
Colonel Dave Dixon: Don’t get me wrong, I love those little buggers to death, but trust me, having four kids makes going through a Stargate facing off against alien bad guys look like nothing.
Colonel Dave Dixon: This is relaxing.
Senior Airman Simon Wells: Then why did you have four?
Colonel Dave Dixon: Well, one’s pretty bad, but you figure you got to have two so the little guy can have a brother or sister, right? Then you have two boys, and the wife says she want a girl so you figure “Hell, three can’t be much harder than two”, right? What you don’t realize is that your brain’s fried because you haven’t slept. After three, four is no big deal. You’re so deep in it that nothing seems to matter any more. It’s chaos. You’re just trying to make it through each day alive. In the end you spend all the energy you have trying to get them into bed only to lie awake praying they don’t get hooked on drugs, hurt, or worse… wind up dead in an alley somewhere.
Senior Airman Simon Wells: Can’t wait, sir.
Colonel Dave Dixon: Yeah, miracle of birth, my ass. I’ll tell you what a miracle is, birth control that works.

[Hank, Daniel, and Vala just got back from a meeting on the continuation of the Stargate program during which Vala insulted a senator’s manhood]
Hank Landry: [to Colonel Mitchell] I don’t care what it takes or what you have to do, just get her out of here!

Jack O’Neill: I just walked in with a handfull of ingredients for my world-famous omelette!
Sam Carter: World-famous huh? What’s in it?
Jack O’Neill: Eggs.
Sam Carter: I don’t think that that actually qualifies as a recipe.
Jack O’Neill: Oh don’t kid yourself, there’s a secret ingredient I can’t tell you what it is or I’d have to shoot you.
Sam Carter: It’s beer isn’t it?

Joe Spencer: What do you think the problem is? Tell me.
[with the SG-1 stories Joe writes]
Charlene: Well for one, it seems to me like the team interaction isn’t what it used to be in the beginning.

Jack O’Neill: So what’s your impression of Alar?
Teal’c: That he is concealing something.
Jack O’Neill: Like what?
Teal’c: I am unsure - he is concealing it.

[O’Neill gets Teal’c to join him at his cabin for fishing. O’Neill sits and tells Teal’c about fishing as Teal’c stands holding his pole as he does a staff weapon]
Teal’c: There appears to be no fish here, O’Neill.
Jack O’Neill: Its not about the actual fish, themselves. Fish are not important in this context, its about FISHING, the act of fishing itself.
Teal’c: I see.
[a cell phone starts ringing]
Jack O’Neill: You didn’t?
Teal’c: By request of General Hammond.
Jack O’Neill: [Answering phone as Teal’c slaps a mosquito] WHAT?… Yes Daniel, he’s right here, please hold.
[O’Neill hands the phone to Teal’c]
Teal’c: Daniel Jackson… we have caught nothing, we are fishing.
[Daniel asks for a translation]
Teal’c: “Banished to oblivion.”
Daniel Jackson: Thank you
Teal’c: If you require assistance, I would be more the happy to return to the SGC
[O’Neill looks annoyed]
Teal’c: Are you sure?
Jack O’Neill: [taking the phone] Good bye Daniel.
[O’Neill removes the phone battery, and throws it into the lake]

Daniel Jackson: There’s no easy way to tell you this, so Sam’s just going to come out and say it!
Sam Carter: Well, Sir, you know the Asgard use cloning technology…
Young Jack O’Neill: Oh, Please!
Teal’c: You have been cloned, O’Neill
Young Jack O’Neill: [Turning to face them] What!

Jack O’Neill: [after a group of trainees fail a battle simulation] Okay! We’re all dead, and there’s an armed Goa’uld running around the base! I have a problem with that! Does anyone else have a problem with that?

Doctor: Well, he’s not human.
Jack O’Neill: Ya think?

Jack O’Neill: For Crying Out Loud.

[Osiris wants to know what has happened during his three thousand year hibernation]
Osiris: Where is my brother Setesh?
Daniel: You mean Seth? He’s dead, we killed him.
Osiris: You lie.
Daniel: No, no… we also killed Ra, and Hathor, and who else… Sokar.

[Teal’C and Jack are repeating the same day and only they remember it. They decide to play golf into an active Stargate wormhole]
Jack O’Neill: How far away is this planet?
Teal’c: Several hundred light-years.
Jack O’Neill: That’s gotta be a record.
[Jack golfs again]
General George S. Hammond: [They golf again later, and Hammond catches them] Jack, what the hell are you doing?
Jack O’Neill: [Jack screws up his golf swing] In the middle of my BACKSWING!

Jack O’Neill: Just give me some kind of warning.
Teal’c: I’m going to shoot you.
Jack O’Neill: I was thinking more along the lines of “On Three”.

Jack O’Neill: I’d rather have died myself than lose Carter.
Anise: Why?
Jack O’Neill: Because I care about her. Way more than I’m supposed to.

[Teal’c has started hallucinating about his wife]
Teal’c: Do not test my temper, woman.
Daniel Jackson: Woman? Did he just call me a woman?
Jack O’Neill: Yes, I believe he did.

Jack O’Neill: I believe someone said “We’re not gonna make it!”
Jacob Carter: Sam, let’s get the hyperdrive running.
Jack O’Neill: Excuse me. I distinctly remember someone saying “We’re not gonna make it!” I think we made it!
Jacob Carter: I’m sorry, I over-reacted. At the time it looked very much like we weren’t gonna make it.
Jack O’Neill: Yes… well… maybe next time you’ll just wait and see.
Jacob Carter: And blow the last chance I might ever have to be right?
Jack O’Neill: What?
Samantha Carter: [with a grin] Welcome to my life!
Jack O’Neill: What?

[in an alternate timeline, Carter is practicing what she wants to say to her male boss]
Sam Carter: Just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn’t - God that’s horrible! Who would ever say that?

Jim: [laughing at Daniel, after he tries to rush Jim/Anubis in the “Ascended Café”] You can’t stop me. You don’t have the power.
Oma Desala: But *I* do.
Jim: You can’t stop me.
Oma Desala: I can *fight* you.
Jim: Well, you can’t win.
Oma Desala: It won’t matter. You won’t be able to do anything but fight me back.
Jim: What’re you gonna do?
Oma Desala: Something I should’ve done a long time ago.
[attacks Jim/Anubis]

Vala Malduran: I know nothing about your fair planet… other than it seems to have a rather interesting if somewhat limited gene pool.
[looks at Daniel and Col. Mitchell]

Vala Malduran: I had to tell you in person. I’m pregnant… Pretty sure it’s yours, anyway. There’s at least a one in-hmmm-ten chance.
[winks at Col. Mitchell]

Hank Landry: A general is only as good as the people he commands.
Jack O’Neill: Who said that?
Hank Landry: I just did.

Vala Malduran: [when Mitchell is having trouble convincing the other members of SG-1 to return to the SGC] Try playing hard-to-get.
Cameron Mitchell: Yeah, look who’s talking.

Vala Malduran: [when they walk into the room on the Prometheus that Vala and Daniel previously fought in] Well, this brings back memories.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Really, how so?
Vala Malduran: Isn’t this where I beat you up?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [defensively] No.
Vala Malduran: No, I’m pretty sure this is where I crushed your…
Cameron Mitchell: Excuse me!

Cameron Mitchell: Ladies first.
Vala Malduran: [turns to Daniel] Well, then, after you.

Waitress: What can I get you?
Jack O’Neill: Three of the biggest stakes you’ve got.
Samantha Carter: Me too. And French fries with mine.
Samantha Carter: Oh, and a diet soda.

Jack O’Neill: I remembered something. There’s a man. He is bald and wears a short sleeve shirt. And somehow, he is important to me… I think his name is… Homer.

Jack O’Neill: Do you people *practice* being vague?

Daniel: You know, I’ve never been on a stakeout before. Shouldn’t we have, like… donuts or something?

Hu’rak: No matter what you have endured, you’ve never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of.
Jack O’Neill: You ended that sentence with a preposition, bastard.

Sam Carter: Think about it…

Jack O’Neill: Yeah, I thought we were going with “Red Leader” on this one.

Daniel: Their whole world is in flames - and we’re offering them gasoline. How does that help?
Teal’c: We are in fact offering water.
Jack O’Neill: Thank you.
Daniel: I was speaking metaphorically.
Jack O’Neill: Well stop it. It’s not fair to Teal’c.

Jack O’Neill: Weren’t we just somewhere else?
Daniel: Where?
Jack O’Neill: Some planet.
Daniel: When?
Jack O’Neill: Just now.
Daniel: No.
Jack O’Neill: Sure?
Daniel: Yeah.

Jack O’Neill: I distinctly remember sitting here, listening to Carter prattle on about solar activity and a… corona… something.
Sam Carter: Coronal mass emissions - I was just about to bring it up.
Jack O’Neill: There you go, how would I know that?
Sam Carter: Maybe you read my report.
Daniel: Maybe he *read* your report?

Teal’c: If you once again try to harm me or one of my companions, my patience with you will expire.

[on a mine]
Sam Carter: Ok, it’s flashing green. Is that good?
Daniel: No
Sam Carter: Bad?
Daniel: Bad
Sam Carter: How bad?
Daniel: Very bad.
Sam Carter: DAD!

Daniel: I just hope we don’t regret giving them those gate addresses.
Jack O’Neill: I don’t think we will… the first one being a black hole, and all. They get progressively darker after that.

Colonel Harry Maybourne: Gonna turn me in?
Jack O’Neill: Actually, that overwhelming desire to shoot you has come back.

Cassandra: Dominique is waiting.
Dr. Janet Fraiser: Fine. Invite him in. I’m sure he’d love to have a piece of cake that Sam went through all the trouble to bake.
Sam Carter: “Buy. ”
Dr. Janet Fraiser: Bring.

K’Tano: I honor he who would kill his god. And to his brethren of the Tau’ri, slayers of Ra, Hathor, Satesh, Heru’ur, Sokar, Cronus and Apophis.
Jack O’Neill: Well… somebody’s been keeping score!

[O’Neill bangs his fist on a filing cabinet]
Jack O’Neill: D’oh!
Teal’c: What is it, O’Neill?
Jack O’Neill: I forgot to tape The Simpsons!
[Teal’c raises his eyebrow]
Jack O’Neill: It’s important… to me.

Daniel Jackson: I agree with Sam. We don’t know enough about what happened on that planet, yet.
Colonel Frank Simmons: Need I remind you, Dr. Jackson, the dangers that we’re trying to defend the Earth against?
Daniel Jackson: Oh, uh… could you? I mean, go slow.

Sam Carter: The asteroid has an irregular shape, but we’ve calculated its length from end to end to be approximately 137 kilometers.
Jack O’Neill: I’ve seen this movie. It hits Paris.

Major Vallarin: Wait here.
Daniel Jackson: Yes, you go down the dark hallway alone and I’ll wait here in the dark room alone.

Jack O’Neill: What now?
Teal’c: I have read of a place where humans do battle in a ring of JELL-O.
Jack O’Neill: Call Daniel.

Bra’tac: The Hakt’yl are grateful for your generosity and patience.
Jack O’Neill: Well, you know me. Always willing to help those who… need help.
Bra’tac: You are indeed a wise and gracious leader, O’Neill of Minnesota.
Jack O’Neill: Sit down you old coot.

Bra’tac: [a practice wedding between Ray’c and Kar’yn just went sour] I can see why one must rehearse these events.

Teal’c: Colonel O’Neill has officially informed that I have my…”mojo”… back.

Jack O’Neill: Well if you’re looking for help translating it - you’re barking up the wrong genius.

Jack O’Neill: I suppose you expect my male bravado to kick in right now?
Dr. Svetlana Markov: I’ve read your file.

Sam Carter: Question is, will they listen?
Jack O’Neill: Well, the real question is, will they have ears?

General Vidrine: How does she fly, son?
Teal’c: The vehicle performed within expected parameters.
Jack O’Neill: Woohoo… Sorry Sir. I couldn’t help but get caught up in Teal’c’s enthusiasm.

Daniel: Well, we were kind of hoping you’d “beam them out. ”
Jacob Carter/Selmak: Beam them out? What am I - Scotty?

Jonas: You instructed every replicator out there to come to you?
Jack O’Neill: I have a theory why you lost the war…

Jack O’Neill: They didn’t go for it.
Sam Carter: They didn’t approve the mission?
Jack O’Neill: Well no, they did THAT. Once they knew the stakes and the whole fate of the universe stuff, both the President and Hammond realized we had no choice. They wish us luck, God speed and all those things he says when he thinks we’re gonna die.
Sam Carter: So what didn’t they go for?
Jack O’Neill: The name I suggested.
Sam Carter: For the ship?
Jack O’Neill: Yeah.
Sam Carter: Yeah. Sir… we can’t call it the “Enterprise”
Jack O’Neill: Why not?

Jack O’Neill: What is it with you people? Time machines are nothin’ but trouble. Even we know that.

First: I never expected that you would amuse me.
Jack O’Neill: I never expected you to put your hand in my head.

Colonel Harry Maybourne: Hi, Jack.
Jack O’Neill: You rat bastard.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Hey, hey, hey… take it easy.
Jack O’Neill: I am SO gonna kick your ass.

Colonel Harry Maybourne: If you need me, I’m at the Accent Inn checked in under the name of Cassidy.
Jack O’Neill: David or Shaun?
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Butch.

Sam Carter: Well, if the DHD could have prevented the problem, maybe the DHD can also fix it. Is there any chance that you could get the Russians to give us their DHD?
Daniel: Not without giving back Alaska.

Rodney McKay: I wish I didn’t find you so attractive. I’ve always had a real weakness for dumb blondes.
Sam Carter: Go suck a lemon.
Rodney McKay: Very sexy. Very, very sexy.

[after the DHD explodes]
Daniel: Well, that never happened in any of the simulations.

Jack O’Neill: We brought pizza and a movie.
Teal’c: Star Wars.
Jack O’Neill: He’s seen it, what? Eight times?
Teal’c: Nine.
Jack O’Neill: Nine times. If Teal’c likes it, it’s gotta be okay.
Sam Carter: You’ve never seen Star Wars?
Jack O’Neill: Well, you know me and sci-fi…

Teal’c: If I were still loyal to the Goa’uld, you would know it.
Colonel Frank Simmons: Really?
Teal’c: It would be immediately apparent, as I would not hesitate to kill you where you sit.

[Jonas is having a burger, fries, and milkshake for lunch. Sam arrives just in time to see him dunk a fry in the shake and eat it]
Sam Carter: Nice… lunch.
Jonas: mmmm. I’m really starting to enjoy this “traditional American food”.
Sam Carter: We have another tradition. It’s called “hardened arteries”.

Sam Carter: [Sam talks technobabble and Daniel Yawns] At least pretend that it’s interesting.
Daniel Jackson: No, it was very interesting. Please, go on.
Sam Carter: Are you tired?
Daniel Jackson: Ya think?

Sam Carter: This way, sir. It’s not far.
Jack O’Neill: Carter. How do you know where to go in a place like this?
Sam Carter: I studied the Tok’ra specs of the ship while we were on Vorash.
Jack O’Neill: You know how to have a good time, don’t you?
Sam Carter: Having a good time now, sir.
Jack O’Neill: You go, girl.

[imitating a tour guide in what was once Stargate Command]
Jack O’Neill: …and we’re walking.

[talking to a dying Daniel Jackson]
Jack O’Neill: Because despite the fact that you’ve been a terrific pain in the ass for the last five years, I may have… Might have grown to admire you. A little. I think.

Jack O’Neill: Someone duplicated the duplicators?

[Maybourne tosses an explosive in the lake to ‘catch’ some fish]
Jack O’Neill: That’s just wrong on so many levels.

Colonel Harry Maybourne: I’m sorry, Jack. I never should have dragged you into this.
Jack O’Neill: Yes, Harry. You’ve been a very bad boy.

Jack O’Neill: Hey, don’t you die on me now.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: What difference would it make?
Jack O’Neill: Because we’re about to be rescued.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Oh, that’s nice.
Jack O’Neill: Isn’t it?

Jack O’Neill: I think you’ve suffered enough. Hell, I even got to shoot you.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Twice.

Jack O’Neill: It’s always suicide-mission this, save-the-planet that. No one ever stops by just to say ‘hi’ anymore.

Jack O’Neill: You know, we really should come up with a new strategy. One that does not include us dying.

Jacob Carter/Selmak: How’s it going?
Daniel: Oh, swell, it’s kinda like Goa’uld Mardi Gras around here.

Daniel: So, how are you gonna get me in?
Jacob Carter/Selmak: Yu will be among the System Lords attending the meeting.
Sam Carter: I thought you said he was going in as a slave.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: The System Lord, Yu.
Sam Carter: Little joke there.
Jack O’Neill: [Dryly] Funny.

Teal’c: Are you able to translate any of this, Jonas Quinn?
Jonas: It’s not Ancient, but it’s definitely a language belonging to one of the races of the ancient alliance.
Jack O’Neill: Nox? Asgard?
Jonas: Furlings.
Jack O’Neill: Oh, no. Not those guys.
Jonas: What?
Jack O’Neill: Oh, I don’t know. I just can’t imagine cute little furry things making big powerful weapons, that’s all.
Jonas: I don’t even know what they look like.
Jack O’Neill: Furling. Sounds cute and fuzzy to me.
[Teal’c smiles]

Jack O’Neill: You know, Harry, it’s not that I can’t believe you lied to me again. It’s that YOU LIED TO ME AGAIN.

Teal’c: Major Carter.
Sam Carter: Teal’c, this is the women’s locker room.
Teal’c: It appears there is no one else here but you, and you are fully clothed.
Sam Carter: True.

Colonel Harry Maybourne: You wanted to kill me from the start.
Jack O’Neill: Ah, screw you, Maybourne. I was joking. Look what you did to my leg.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: I set the trap for the pig.
Jack O’Neill: With a grenade?

Aldwin: Are you interested in Tok’ra engineering?
Jack O’Neill: Oh. Interested doesn’t quite describe how I truly feel.
Aldwin: You’re welcome to join us.
Jack O’Neill: Thank you Aldwin, but I have to go help Teal’c… wait for Daniel.

Teal’c: [looking in O’Neill’s refrigerator] Are you conducting some sort of scientific experiment, O’Neill?
Young Jack O’Neill: Hey, come on, that salsa’s still good.

Jack O’Neill: I just woke up, haven’t had coffee, let alone a pee in seven days, and I find out you stole my ass and made a… mini… me.

[Trapped on a Goa’uld world, trying to reboot the Gate system to escape]
Jay Felger: This is pretty cool, isn’t it? You and I working together? We’re sort of like the intellectual Butch and Sundance of the SGC.
Sam Carter: Butch and Sundance got cornered and killed by the Bolivian army.

Jack O’Neill: I’m telling you, Teal’c. If we don’t find a way out of this soon, I’m gonna’ lose it.
[Teal’c does not understand and just stares at O’Neill]
Jack O’Neill: “Lose it. ” It means, “Go crazy. ” “Nuts. ” “Insane. ” “Bonzo. ” “No longer in possession of one’s faculties. ” “Three fries short of a Happy Meal. ” “Wacko. ”

Daniel Jackson: I’m energy now…
Jack O’Neill: How’s that working out for you?
Daniel Jackson: Good actually. Very…
Jack O’Neill: Good.
Daniel Jackson: Very good.

Jack O’Neill: So show me your stuff. Bust me out of here.
Daniel Jackson: I can’t…
Jack O’Neill: Why not?
Daniel Jackson: I’m not allowed to interfere.
Jack O’Neill: You’re interfering right now.
Daniel Jackson: No, I’m not.
Jack O’Neill: Yes, you are.
Daniel Jackson: No, I’m not. I am consoling a friend.

Simon Coombs: Come on, Felger. We might as well wear red shirts.
Jay Felger: I don’t get that.

Teal’c: I believe the Canucks of Vancouver are superior warriors.

Jay Felger: At least my heroes exist. If this was a Trek convention you’d be all dressed up like a Klingon.
Simon Coombs: Vulcan, Felger, Vulcan.

Jay Felger: Something hinky’s definitely going on here, and it’s up to you and me to find out what it is.
Simon Coombs: ‘Hinky? ‘
Jay Felger: Yeah, it’s a word.
Simon Coombs: In what dictionary?

Simon Coombs: Oh, please, huh? They’re just tired of your butt-snorkling.

Thor: I am Thor, Supreme Commander of the Asgard Fleet. Your presence here is a violation of the Protected Planets Treaty, and you must withdraw immediately.

[discussing Daniel’s dreams]
Teal’c: Most often, dreams are merely the mind’s way of dealing with desires that cannot be fufilled.
Daniel Jackson: Ah. So basically, I’m never gonna get a good night’s sleep again.
Teal’c: With all your past experiences, Daniel Jackson, I do not know how you have slept well before now.
Daniel Jackson: Thank you, Teal’c. This conversation has been disturbing… on many levels…

Samantha Carter: Jonas, you’re such a chickenshi…
[the rest of the word is not heard due to a blaring alarm]

[In reference to newly inaugurated President Hayes and Vice-President Kinsey]
Jack O’Neill: Does anybody know anybody who actually voted for those little shrubs?

[offering a beer to Samantha Carter at his house]
Jack O’Neill: Want a glass? I can wash one.

Jack O’Neill: Are those doughnuts?
Teal’c: Indeed.
Jack O’Neill: [impersonating Charles Montgomery Burns] Ex-cellent.

Samantha Carter: [to Jack about a group of SG trainees] Think back to when you were in their shoes.
Jack O’Neill: I wore boots.

Jack O’Neill: My name’s Jack; it means… what’s in the box.

Jack O’Neill: I have great confidence in you Carter. Go back to the SGC and… confuse Hammond.

Jack O’Neill: [talking to the Asgard High Council about the K’Tau people and their star] I’m not asking you to change the course of their development, just fix the damn sun! No one will know. We won’t tell.

Bra’tac: Observe, and learn…
Jack O’Neill: [when Bra’tac has finished knocking a few Jaffas] Not bad…

Jack O’Neill: So, you’ve made a mistake. That’s your problem. My conscience is clean. I’m pretty happy with the way it turned out. Look at this nice pond with no pesky fish in it, and the biggest problem I have to worry about is whether or not to get a dog.

[SG-1 is at Jack’s house, and Daniel is a bit drunk]
Daniel: Go ahead, Teal’c, tell them how deep you are! You’ll be lucky if you even understand this!
Teal’c: [lifts one eyebrow] My depth is immaterial to this conversation.
Daniel: Oooh! So deep!
Jack O’Neill: No more beer for you.

[Jacob/Selmak, Daniel, and Sam are on a Tok’ra scout ship, being questioned by a Goul’d mothership]
Jacob Carter/Selmak: All right, we’re almost finished. Sam’s just finishing up.
Daniel: Uh, that’s good, ‘cuz I don’t think they bought my act.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: Why? Who’d you say you were?
Daniel: The, uh, Great and Powerful Oz.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: SAM!

Jack O’Neill: [trying to decide if he should accept his promotion] I’ve spent my whole life stickin’ it to the man. If I do this, I’ll be the man. I don’t think I can be the man.

[Fifth, an artificial being, is taking his revenge on Sam]
Sam Carter: Part of being human is compassion, learning to forgive!
Fifth: Yes. I’m not there yet.

Jack O’Neill: Daniel and Teal’c say ‘hi’. They’re planning a big shindig for you when you’re back up and around. There’s talk of cake.
Sam Carter: Cake?
Jack O’Neill: My idea.

Ba’al: You dare mock me?
Jack O’Neill: Ba’al, come on. You should know. Of course, I dare mock you.

Daniel Jackson: On the bright side, out of all the Goa’uld, Lord Yu has been the most cooperative with us in the past.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I thought you said that none of them could be trusted?
Daniel Jackson: Oh, they can’t. Especially not a crazy one.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: And that’s a bright side?
Daniel Jackson: More of a slightly less dark side.

Daniel Jackson: Look, all I know is that the place you’re searching right now is not it.
Jack O’Neill: Then, where is *it*?
Daniel Jackson: Did I just say, “all I know”?
Jack O’Neill: Everyone turn away. I want no witnesses.

Daniel Jackson: [Daniel has been cleared to attend a briefing after having lost his memory] Besides, who am I going to tell? I don’t remember anybody, right?
Jack O’Neill: Good one.
Daniel Jackson: Thanks, Jim.

Jack O’Neill: All I’m saying, just for the record, is this is the wackiest plan we’ve ever come up with.
Sam Carter: Wackier than, than strapping an active Stargate to the bottom of the X-302?
Jack O’Neill: Oh yeah.
Sam Carter: Wackier than blowing up a sun?
Jack O’Neill: Yep.
Sam Carter: He’s probably right.

Jack O’Neill: If we want to find out who’s behind this, we have to do what the Asgard do.
Daniel: You mean bluff?
Jack O’Neill: Yep. We just need to do it without revealing what we know.
Daniel: Which is nothing.
Jack O’Neill: Right. But they don’t know we know nothing.

Jack O’Neill: [after traveling to a world that looks exactly like Earth] Just when you think you’re not in Kansas anymore, it turns out you are.

General George S. Hammond: You’re saying Osiris is here on Earth probing Daniel’s mind?
Sam Carter: Yes, we think that.
Jack O’Neill: Kinky.

Jack O’Neill: [Sam starts humming as she and Jack are riding an elevator at the SGC] Humming?
Sam Carter: I am?
Jack O’Neill: You are.
Sam Carter: Sorry.
Jack O’Neill: What’s his name?
Sam Carter: Now, why would you…
Jack O’Neill: Humming.
Sam Carter: Pete.

Jack O’Neill: It’s time for plan B.
Sam Carter: We have a plan B?
Jack O’Neill: No, but it’s time for one.

Sam Carter: Teal’c, how do Jaffa couples handle their problems?
Teal’c: On Chulak, a dispute between a man and a woman that cannot be resolved necessitates a pledge break. It must be requested by one and granted by the other.
Daniel: And if that doesn’t work?
Teal’c: A weapon is required.

Jack O’Neill: Mmmmmm… Goa’uld TV.

Jonas: We’re peaceful explorers, okay? We didn’t come here to harm anybody.
Jack O’Neill: Unless otherwise provoked.

[Hammond shows Carter the individual who tried to enter the SGC with O’Neill’s security ID]
Samantha Carter: He’s a boy, Sir.
Young Jack O’Neill: As it turns out, Carter, yes I am. For the moment!

[the guard hands a mug to Young Jack]
Young Jack O’Neill: Finally!
[takes a sip]
Young Jack O’Neill: Hot chocolate? Are you kidding?

Young Jack O’Neill: Look, last night, I ate some dinner, had a beer, went to bed and woke up like this. Now can we please just get to the part where you and Fraiser run some tests, find a cure, and make me big again?

[Daniel walks into the holding room]
Young Jack O’Neill: Daniel, will you tell them who I am? Please?
Daniel: OK, love to. Who are you?

[Carter has explained that the boy is somehow Colonel O’Neill]
Daniel: What’s going on?
Young Jack O’Neill: Daniel!
Daniel: Sounds like him. At least the loud, grating part!

General George S. Hammond: [after leaving the holding room] Would anyone care to speculate how a boy could be aware of our most classified information?
Samantha Carter: Well, Sir, It could be him.
Daniel: There is a physical resemblance!
General George S. Hammond: [Pointing to the holding room] But, he can’t be more than 15 years old. Are you saying Colonel O’Neill has somehow regressed more than 30 years overnight?
Daniel: Stranger things have happened.
Teal’c: Name but one.
Daniel: Well, there was the time he got really old; the time he became a caveman; the time we all swapped bodies…

Dr. Janet Fraiser: There is a tiny abnormality, but for all intents and purposes, it’s him.
Daniel: Tiny abnormality, like the fact he’s suddenly quite a few years younger than he’s supposed to be?

Young Jack O’Neill: You know, I think you two are enjoying this just a little too much.
Samantha Carter: Well, you are kinda cute.
Young Jack O’Neill: That’s Sir to you, and being trapped inside a scrawny little body isn’t my idea of cute, Carter!

Teal’c: Do you not experience increased health and vitality?
Young Jack O’Neill: My *vitality* was just fine, thank you!

Young Jack O’Neill: I don’t plan on staying like this.
Samantha Carter: Well, in the meantime, may I make a suggestion? Try enjoying this as much as we are!

Young Jack O’Neill: [to Teal’c, after revealing facts that only O’Neill would know] Have you had your tetronin this morning?
Teal’c: [Turning to face the others] How could this child possess such knowledge?

Jack O’Neill: I was expecting the other shoe to drop… eventually.
Thor: We can only hope that this is the last footwear to fall.

[Bregman has Daniel’s tape of Dr. Fraiser dying in the line of duty]
Emmett Bregman: I just came to give this back to you. I’m not going to use it.
Daniel Jackson: Wait. I want you to. You know, I died in this room? Ascended. Doctor Fraiser did everything she could. I mean, she went three days without sleep. Even in the end, she didn’t want to let me go. I owed her a lot more than I ever gave back. I thought a lot about what you said about Kristofsky. I think this shows what Janet Fraiser was all about.
Emmett Bregman: Me too.
Daniel Jackson: I want other people to know.

Daniel: Well, if they even get a hint of the fact that we can’t use the Ancient weapons to defend ourselves, trust me, this game is over… Too dramatic?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: At this point, not for me.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: It’s unfortunate you’re being recalled. I thought we were making such good progress.
Camulus: Your demands were ridiculous. We had no choice but to terminate negotiations.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Well, give my regards to Baal!

First: Your mind is incredible.
Jack O’Neill: Well…
First: Such chaos and humor and pain.

First: Your iris code is 903224637.
Jack O’Neill: Wow, that’s… close. Here’s one for you. I’m thinking of an animal.

Dr. Lee: Look, we’ve been working on this chair for two years to make it a viable virtual reality training tool for SGC personnel.
Teal’c: You have failed.
Jack O’Neill: He’s nothing if not honest.
Dr. Lee: Well, I mean, maybe we could, er, it could use a little more work but…
Jack O’Neill: Can you make it harder… more difficult?
Dr. Lee: Well, I mean, we can input the parameters for different scenarios, but the vast majority of the simulation array comes from the mind of the user. The programming is actually built by interfacing memories from the individual’s consciousness with the chair’s matrix.
Jack O’Neill: Carter, all I heard was “Matrix” and I found those films *quite* confusing.

Jack O’Neill: …and after that, I kind of lost my temper.
General George S. Hammond: What does that mean?
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Let’s just say that Jack made a reference to Freyr’s mother.

Colonel Sean Grieves: I’ll say it again, I don’t like the idea of going into this unarmed.
Jack O’Neill: And… I don’t care.
Lieutenant Kershaw: I feel a lot better knowing there’s an archaeologist watching our backs.
Daniel Jackson: [holds up a knife] Yeah, which end do the bullets go in again?
Colonel Sean Grieves: I’d be happy to show you.

Jack O’Neill: Uh… Teal’c, on our “6″, is that what I think it is?
Teal’c: If you think it is the Earth, yes.
Jack O’Neill: It’s shrinking.
Teal’c: Its size remains constant. Rather, it is we who are moving away at extreme velocity.

Emmett Bregman: You know, I, uh… I once did a piece on this war photographer. His name was Martin Kristofski. For about six months, he was with a unit in Vietnam, and the day before he was scheduled to leave-the *day* before, he’s out with the unit. And it was just a routine patrol, or so they thought. But suddenly, a lieutenant pulled him down. And Kristofski hadn’t intended to take a picture at that moment, but his hands were on the camera and he hit the ground so hard that it just went off. And the picture captured the Lieutenant getting shot in the head. And Kristofski said to me, he said “That bullet would’ve hit me, *should’ve* hit me.” And he *never* showed that picture to *anyone,* not for 25 years. But 25 years later, he got up one morning, and he looked at that picture, and he saw something that wasn’t horrific, and he decided to tell the story, because he realized that he hadn’t accidentally taken a picture of a man dying. It was of a man saving his life.

Vala Malduran: Don’t worry. I’m not going to hurt you.
Daniel: Thank God.
Vala Malduran: Much. I hope.

Vala Malduran: Ow, ow, ow! You hit me!
Daniel: You hit *me*!
Vala Malduran: Yeah. You know, we could just have sex instead.

Vala Malduran: [to Daniel Jackson] I liked you better tied up.

Vala Malduran: This suit will still absorb zat blasts. So, you should probably make me take it off.
Daniel: I think we’ll turn the ship around first.
Vala Malduran: I dunno. If I had me at gunpoint that wouldn’t be my first choice.

Vala Malduran: Did you have fun taking off my clothes?
Daniel: It was your idea.
Vala Malduran: No, *I* meant when I was conscious. You know, so I could distract you and kick you in the head.
Daniel: I kept my eyes closed the whole time.
Vala Malduran: I’m sure you did.
Daniel: So, where are we going?
Vala Malduran: I told you. To save my people. Can you please let me out of here?
Daniel: Ohhhhhhhhhhh, no.
Vala Malduran: You know, I haven’t eaten in days.
Daniel: Could you please tell me how to access the navigation controls?
Vala Malduran: It isn’t very nice, you know, starving a prisoner to death. Come on, Daniel, you’ve seen me naked. The least you could do is cook me dinner.

Burke: What’s with the guy from Evil Dead?
Jack O’Neill: [Daniel and Jack turn and look at each other, not sure what to say] Umm…
Burke: [laughs] Man, you guys are into some crazy crap!

Daniel Jackson: Wait a minute. I thought the reason why we brought the ship was so that we didn’t have to walk.
Samantha Carter: You can’t just fly into an alien city. The mission is stealth recon. Meaning undetected.
Jack O’Neill: Meaning *shut up*!

Shamda: [pointing to Teal’c] He is Jaffa.
Jack O’Neill: No, but he plays one on T.V.

Cameron Mitchell: [to an ugly alien] So, who do you like in the NFL this year? You kind of strike me as a Raiders fan…

Prior: It makes no difference what you do to me. But know this, the Ori are all-seeing.
[long pause]
Prior: They are already aware of this affront to their eminence, and shall strike down those who dare to defy them.
Cameron Mitchell: Nothing yet. You?
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Drawing a blank. A little thirsty.
Cameron Mitchell: That doesn’t count
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: No, it doesn’t.

Prior: We are beacons on the road to enlightenment.
Cameron Mitchell: No, you’re dark-side intergalactic encyclopedia salesmen. Unfortunately, the home office hasn’t been quite upfront with you.
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Nice work on the metaphor.
Cameron Mitchell: Thank you.

Cameron Mitchell: It’s a Norwegian cheese, I think. Spelled with a “g” or a “j”, maybe both. Jgetost, Gjetost, something like that. So then what you do is, you dice up the cheese, you toss it in with egg whites, then you chop up some avocado, throw it all together… whoa, daddy! You’ve got yourself a wicked omelet…
Cameron Mitchell: General! We were just exchanging recipes.
Hank Landry: I heard. Has he offered up anything?
Cameron Mitchell: No, sir. The man doesn’t even have a decent pie crust.

Jack O’Neill: [two rebel Jaffa are battling] Hey, hey! Break it up!
Rebel Jaffa: We are training.
Jack O’Neill: Where I come from that’s called beating the crap out of each other.

Kvasir: The perilous nature of this mission should not be taken lightly. There is a chance the Prometheus may not survive this voyage. But courage and a steadfast resolve will prove the most valuable assets in this undertaking. Well, good luck to you all.
[beams out]
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: I miss Thor.

Jack O’Neill: Have ya looked around?

Daniel: Hey! New Guy!
Cameron Mitchell: What? I was just looking for the light switch! Besides, you touched that.
Daniel: I can read that!